Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 5

I'm gonna love you 'til you start looking back. I'm gonna love you so right, I wouldn't need a second chance.

Progress.

I still miss him. I still wish he would talk to me. I wish everyday that when I wake up, I would see his name onscreen. And every morning my hopes are dashed.

I'm still asking the same questions. How can he stand this? Am I really waiting for something? Will he come back? Does he still love me? Does he miss me?

Everyday is the same. This sick cycle goes on and on and on and the only one stuck in the center is me. It feels like this huge vortex is pulling me in and I can't get away. For a moment or two, I would feel like I am in control but the tides turn and I am in the wrong end again, each time worse than the last.

A lot of people have told me to just let go. But, I can't. I can't because I'm willing to see this through the end. Even if a part of me wants to protect myself and cut my losses this early on, I know that I would still be pushing forward. Because what he doesn't know is that I am willing to fight for him.

I miss you. I love you. It's easier to believe in words. It's easier to hold on to them. In this case, I don't even have a choice. The words you said were the only things I have. Those are the only things that could make or break me. When I think about the 9 more days that I have wait, I feel like just giving up. And it's tempting, so tempting, to start the process of letting go and moving on and starting over. I know that when I do that and you don't come back, I would not feel so sorry for myself. But, if I do that and you come back, I would feel even worse.

Remember when I said that you were worth all the risks? It hasn't changed. I am hurting. I can feel my heart breaking into smaller pieces for every moment that passes by without you. But I don't want to let go just yet. I won't.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Come back soon and tell me you love me still.

PS.

I've downloaded Once Upon A Time like you asked me to do. I've watched everything. When we see each other again, let's watch it together, okay? I miss you, love. :)

Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 4

If you just walked away, what could I really say? Would it matter anyway? Would it change how you feel?

As a consequence of drinking too much coffee, my gastritis acted up. I was not able to go to school and spent hours lying on my bed willing the pain to go away. This sucks big time.

I had the inclination to buy some milk because that is what usually makes me feel better during my bouts of sickness. But, my cravings pushed me to go to a coffee shop and get myself a white hot chocolate. :"> So, mustering all the strength I have left I made the ten-minute ride to the cafe and appeased my tired self with my favorite drink.

But, the serene ambiance of the almost empty place reduced me to a teary mess in a matter of minutes. The feelings that I have been trying to suppress all this time came tumbling out of me in a series of sniffs and sobs. I felt so pathetic crying discreetly in an empty second floor of a coffee shop.

A friend tried to console me through text messaging and she told me that I should just tell him that I miss him. Initially, I was averse to the idea as that would actually defy his intention of staying away for the moment. But, feelings overcame common sense so I texted him and I told him that I missed him.

Hi. :) I know you wanted your space but I just wanted to tell you I miss you. Haha. I hope you're doing fine. I love you. :)

You know what he said? 

Nothing.

What am I supposed to think then? Is he ever coming back?

No matter, I will be waiting.

And when you're needing your space to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find.

Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 3

All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns.

NO HANGOVER. The gods still smile upon me. :>

Despite feeling crappy last night, I woke up feeling as if no drop of alcohol ever touched my bloodstream. Thank god for small favors. Haha.

I tried to study for the exams tomorrow but I was not in the mood to do anything save for watching Once Upon A Time.

I'll always find you.

Oh, my ovaries. Hahaha.

I'm babbling, obviously. I don't want to sleep just yet. Everytime I close my eyes his image resurfaces in my mind. That would start a snowball effect, I would not be able to sleep crying my eyes out. I would feel like hell answering my exams tomorrow. I would beat myself up for getting such a low score and so on and so forth.

So, instead I'm staring unseeingly at my notes and my printed slides. Yes, that would help me get a better score.

I've already downed two cups of coffee in the last three hours fighting the urge to fall asleep. I really have to get to my notes now. But, I still want to watch Once Upon A Time again. Delaying tactics, yay. Haha.

But, seriously. Just do anything. Anything but think of him. Anything but that.

I wish I could feel the way I felt two days ago. Mechanical. Unthinking. Blissfully unaware.

Alas, that phase is over. Time to face the music.

Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 2

It's okay. It only hurts when I try to breathe.

I thought I was doing pretty damned fine. I woke up that morning in good spirits, better suited to brave the day ahead of me. I had my STS class at 10am. I arrived early and read my book. It was a fun lecture. It always is with Sir Jireh. Point is, I managed to forget the fix the I was in for a few hours.

I felt fine.

Until I met Venus, that is. The gang was supposed to meet at 5pm. I got out at 1pm and headed for Robinson's when I got Venus's message that she was already at Red Mango. Making my way there, I really had no idea what to tell her or how to explain to her the things that happened.

So, we talked. We talked about what happened. I told her that yes, we are still together. And no, I have no idea what he wants to do with the two weeks on his hands. She wanted to analyze the reason behind everything but we came up short. We tried to think of the why's and how's but between the two of us, we accomplished nothing.

She thought about my friendship with Keene and how it affected my relationship with Greg. But, somehow that seems to be irrelevant as I ended that a month ago. She was shocked that Greg's name on my phone seems so formal with the surname. I defended myself by saying that it's a small thing and is not an indication of my feelings whatsoever. She assured me that he would be back but no matter how convincing her case might be, it still didn't seem enough. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the things she said and the lengths she went to to make me feel better but we both know that in the end, there was only one person whom I needed to hear those words from.

I only cried twice since this whole thing blew up, both of them with Danj and Nhor who were actively trying to make me cry so I don't think if that counts. Haha. What I mean is that, I think I'm doing okay despite the dire nature of my circumstance. So, I figured, hey, I can do this. Only a few more days and we'll be fine.

JM arrived at around 3pm. I had forgotten to eat lunch so we went to McDonald's. We went to the Food Court to wait for Joel. He arrived at around 5pm. We headed for Niro while JM went to get his plus one.

Can you imagine how lonely I felt when JM and his plus one arrived? I love my friends and most of the time I don't really mind going out with my friends that are couples. But, that one just hit me hard. Two couples being sweet in front of me and me, I am not even sure if my boyfriend will come back at the end of this two-week suspension that he enacted.

So, I kept quiet most of the time and sulked. And drank my shots. So, it was no wonder when I, who has never been drunk with the gang, felt woozy halfway through the night.

JM had to take his plus one to the bus station. (Sweet.) So, I was stuck with our power couple. (Still felt pathetic and alone.) JM came back and Boli arrived. Finally, the gang was complete!

The fact that they texted him to say that they were with me and that we were drinking and him replying with a curt message certainly didn't help lift my spirits either. My response and the Squeeze Me definitely did me in. On our third set, I only laid my head on the table. I could vaguely remember JM hugging me and telling me it'll be fine. I don't think I was hallucinating but they I think they showed me a message from a high school friend saying that Greg says that he loves me.

I knew I had to keep my wits about me if I wanted to get home all right so I already stopped drinking and only stared into space. My head was pounding, though. I knew I needed JM to support me on the way home. I did the same for him last time so I didn't feel that guilty. Hehe.

By the time we went home, I already felt a little better. A cold shower later and I was feeling my old self again. Haha.

That was when it started to sink in, though. I was out late. I had more than my usual share of drink. I was definitely drunk. He did not care. At all.

No, I did not get drunk to get his attention. I did not even intend to get drunk that night. It just happened.

I am trying not to overthink things but I guess I am. But, I just can't understand how he can stand this. I am not holding this against him, I just want to understand how you could go on one day without talking to someone so important in your life. Barney can't let a day go by without talking to Robin because if he did, his day would just suck.

So how could you? How could you take all of this in stride when I could barely get through fifteen minutes of my day without thinking about you? How? :(

Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 1

Anything other than yes is no. Anything other than stay is go. Anything less than I love you is a lie.

Right now, all I am sure of is that I love him. I do not know if he would be back like he said he would. I do not know if at the end of those two weeks, we would still be together. I do not know anything else save from the certainty that I love him.

I am a novice at having romantic relationships. To be honest, sometimes I find myself quite at a loss when it comes to handling relationship problems. I admit that I can be immature and selfish and demanding. But, I always try to be level-headed and reasonable all the time. I never want to feel like a burden to anybody, much less to him. Who wants a dysfunctional relationship anyway?

Point is, these things are new to me and I am so scared of the unknown. I am frightened of leaping into the abyss without knowing if there will be something to cushion my fall. I have always been cautious, believe it or not. I have never been a risk-taker and I always made sure everything was all right before I did something. I already have so many regrets in my life and I am loath to add any more to the list.

This uncertainty is killing me. I want to know what is going to happen. I do not want to wait around and hope that he'll be back and everything will be all right again. I don't want to stay suspended between this state of yes or no. I want to know. And soon.

My friends have been quite supportive and comforting these days. But despite their warm hugs and even warmer words, I cannot quench this cold dread that is creeping inch by inch into me. Quite a lot of friends asked me what I want to do right now. And my answer has been pretty much the same.

I'll wait.

The ball is in his court now. It's up to him to decide on things because this is what he wanted. Frankly, I do not really understand his need for space in order to be a better boyfriend. But, I trust him. I am holding him to his promise.

My friends, particularly Danj, are livid about this whole affair. There were a lot of questions that I did not know the answer to for I never fully understood his side, either. Danj wanted me to just move on because he thinks that there are better people out there for me. People were asking me if he was worth all this. A number were shocked and disappointed that he had the nerve to ask for the space instead of me doing that.

I am not defending him. My college friends has not met him yet so I understand where the hate was coming from. But, I know that those people who know him from high school would agree with me on this. He loves me. Time and again, I have proven that.

I understand that maybe he needs that time to find himself, make himself a better person for both of us. I understand that he needs to get away to evaluate what he wants without me blurring the bigger picture for him. I understand all that. It hurts, yes. It hurts that I miss him and I can't talk to him. It hurts knowing that we love each other but we cannot express it for fear of further complicating things. It hurts knowing that the distance between us is not only represented my meters or feet but by pain and disappointments.

But, as I have told anyone who asked, he's worth that. All that.

He said he'd be back. He said that he just needed the space to fix himself, to make himself a better person because he wants to make me happier... because he loves me.

I believe that. He has given me no reason to doubt him. I am just scared because anything can happen. Either of us could walk away at any give time. But, I'm not prepared for that. I don't think I ever will be.

Thank you to all the friends who has shown me love these past few days. :) You don't know how much your hugs and comforting words meant to me. I'm sorry for being such a wimpy kid. Haha.

On a side note, the test results made me happy today. :3 Silver linings, yay! :))

I love you. I cannot tell you this right now because you need your space and I need this time to think for myself, too. I appreciate the fact that you're doing this for me because you want to be a better boyfriend. I know that this is difficult for you, as well. I love you, you know that. I know that you trust me enough to be there while you make yourself come back. I have not told you this but I will be waiting. I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you in the process. I'm scared of losing myself, too.

I am not sure of anything. I am only holding on to your words. The idea of being beside you again is what keeps me going on. Here's to hoping that it was not all for naught. I miss you, love. I love you.

Ayokong sabihin dahil unang-una, hindi ko matanggap. Hindi ko din naman alam kung kanino ko sasabihin dahil pakiramdam ko na-exhaust ko na ang reserved time ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Ang lakas tuloy ng feeling na nasa isang deserted island ako kahit sobrang daming tao sa paligid ko.

I'm trying to work through my feelings right now. I've been thinking a lot and the one thing that keeps standing out is how disappointed I feel about this. Hindi ko alam kasi kung ako ba ang may mali o ikaw, eh. I don't even know if I should demand things from you or if I should just let it go.

Tama si Ven, eh. Ang hirap maging level-headed all the time. I keep stretching out my patience simply because I always feel like crap after "instigating" our fights. But, I really don't want to just settle for second best anymore.

I want what they have. I want the things I see. I want to do silly, nonsensical things with you. I want to stay up all night talking to you. I won't even mind if my ears start feeling uncomfortable and warm. I want to go to weird, unique places with you. I want to take sweet, stupid photos with you. I want to receive small surprises from you. I want to carve our own little niche in this world, a place that we can call our own. Our coffee shop, our bookstore, our anything.

While this may be good, it still doesn't feel enough. I don't want this sorry excuse of quality time because we are not even spending time together. I don't want to feel like you are putting me on schedule because it's the only day in a week that we agreed to meet. I want to stop feeling like I'm the least of your priorities. I want to feel like you actually care when I get sad or angry. I want you to do something about it, not ignore me until I start feeling like an idiot and talk to you instead.

I don't want to wait for your texts while miserably wondering if you ever would.

Hindi na masaya yung ganito. Yung wala akong nararamdamang effort mula sa'yo. Na parang wala lang, okay lang. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam nung wala lang sa'yo na nagkakaganito ko.

Ang sakit lang.

Musings.

I AM SUCH A BAD BLOGGER.

I know. Haha. I'm sorry. Please let me explain. I do not use my laptop nor our desktop because of certain reasons. (Reason number one being my mom banning me from chronic use of the internet.) So, I am using my mobile phone. But, my mobile phone doesn't or can't support the intricate complexities of blogger and I am forced to do nothing.

I don't even have a solid topic to write about but my blog looks really lonely so I'm just winging it.

I am here at Patts. My uncle (who is younger than me) will take his entrance exam later and I am bored to death. My dad drove us here early. Too early. We arrived at around 6:30 and employees don't come in until around 8. The exam will not even start until 10. So, I was stuck there, with headphones in my ears, re-reading A Game of Thrones, when Ton asked me if I wanted to go to a computer shop and pass time. So, yeah, I said yes. :>

I am sleepy. I tried to sleep around 10 last night but I keep waking up. I hate that half-awake state when you seem to be dreaming but the slightest stimuli will wake you up. I am quite certain that I have sinusitis on account of my face feeling like it had been punched by a wrecking ball, no less. To top it all off, it feels like someone was there but really isn't. No, I am not talking about a ghost.

I am leaving on Saturday and I will be gone for three weeks. So, that means not seeing you in three whole weeks. Plus the last two weeks that we haven't seen each other. So, one month of listlessness and missing you. I mean, it's okay if you do text or call me and talk to me. But, you don't. You say good morning and it's fine. You tell me you love me every morning when you wake up and every night before you sleep and that's great. But, I want to talk to you.

I want to know how your day had gone. I want to know how you're feeling. I am not being clingy. At least, I don't think I am. I just want to talk to you. I am not asking for 24 hours of your time. All I want is a few more minutes of your day, not mere seconds of typing your message and hitting send. All I want is a few more words from you not just a greeting and a stale I love you.

I don't get it. We live a few blocks apart and I tell you that I want to see you before I leave and all I get is that silence on your end. I tell you that our common friend wants to hang out and you give me three different excuses but the truth is you just want to go someplace else.

I get angry and still, silence?

It's early in the relationship, I know. You need your adjustment phase. I need my adjustment phase. But, this?

Maybe it's just the fact that I dread silence. Wait, that doesn't seem strong enough. I abhor silence.

This may not be the best idea but I think this time, the silence will be reciprocated. After all, the only thing that can refute silence is silence itself.

I will be gone for almost a month. I'll reevaluate things when I come back. Maybe you can think of things on your end, too. We'll see.

Or maybe not.

PS

Dear Grammar Nazis, I am too sleepy to check this post. Forgive me. :))

Of Broken Bridges

For the longest time, I've been used to having a strong support of people around me. In high school, I may not have been the most popular girl but I had a lot of friends whom I could count on in times of need. No, these are not fair-weather friends. I can say with absolute conviction that these friends are the people that would be in my life for a very long time.

These are the friends that you could visit anytime of the day and be welcomed home. These are the kind of friends who will lend a sympathetic ear and be expected to give you an honest opinion of everything about you. These are the friends that you could call at two in the morning just so you could rant about your school, your parents, or your lovelife.

I am a generally trusting person. I hate being cynical because I hate being bitter towards anybody. Most of all, I believe that there is good in everybody and there is a particular reason why anyone would do anybody wrong.Up until now, I cannot force myself to admit that I had poor character judgment because I pride myself in being a good reader of personality. I guess if it is a question of admitting faults, mine would simply be the fact that I trusted someone beyond any realm of reason, placed faith in one person unconditionally, and loved and respected someone like the older brother that I never had.

Call it blind faith or call it stupidity, but I really believed in him. I trusted him with my innermost feelings, emotions that I never dared to show to anyone else, thoughts that I can't bring myself to voice out even to my other closest friends. I bared my soul to him.

And for a time, he reciprocated everything I gave. He treated me like his younger sister, his little daughter. He spoiled me endlessly, taking me out for coffee, tutoring me in math, fetching me from school, and just spending time with me. My family was so comfortable around him that they let him stay until 2-3 in the morning, sleeping on the sofa.

It was one of those rare very close platonic relationships.

But we had our differences. I am the kind of person who is very vocal with my appreciation of someone else. I love telling the important people in my life how much I treasure them. He was more reserved and cool about everything. He hated displays of affection. He hated having to voice out what he feels and more often than not, I had to wheedle it out of him. That is not to say that I got satisfactory answers. He was always so cool and detached that he gave an unfeeling vibe.

Simply put, I sometimes felt taken for granted. I still understood him, though. I knew that he needed me. I felt as if he wanted me to stay. At that time, I was sure that he did.

Now, what he wants is anybody's guess.

I did not know what happened now would I possibly ever. A year has passed and I still don't know what prompted him to leave that day. I still have the barest idea of what I meant to him, if I ever did. Saying that I mattered would be pushing the matter too far.

Please do not think that I never asked. Please don't say that I never begged for him to come back. At first, I did everything that I could for him to tell me what was wrong, for him to make me understand the reasons behind his actions. No matter how much I racked my mind, I cannot find the answer to that just one question.

Why?

Little by little I accepted the fact that he was gone. I assumed a lot of things but that didn't mean that I never waited for him to turn around and still see me watching him, praying for him to just turn around, to just look back one last time. I longed for him to tell me goodbye, to just tell me that he cared for me, that he loved me like I loved him.

But, he never did. He just upped and left, never even sparing one backward glance. I was left torn and broken, alone and shattered.

There was the sun in my life, setting one last time, my eyes never to behold it again. There was the pillar of my strength, slowly seeping away, leaving me helpless and incapacitated.

For the first time in my life, amid all the wonderful people around me, I felt utterly alone.

I tried. I tried to get up and pull my self together. I tried to convince myself that I would be able to go on without him, that him leaving was just another bump in the road, one that I can go past without a hitch. But, despite all my efforts of trying to be happy, of trying to be a trooper and keep on marching, I just lost hope. A big part of me and my happiness went out the window when he left. He took with him an integral part of myself, one that I had a really hard time building again. There was simply no getting it back.

Everything just went downhill from there. I lost confidence in myself. I started to hate every single day that I woke up. I distanced myself from everybody. I alienated myself from the rest of the world because I really believed that I was alone.I know I hurt a lot of people along the way. I was a trainwreck waiting to explode. It was only a short time before my life completely crumbles right before my eyes. And I was too powerless to stop the snowball crashing down on me. My parents were shaken by my decisions. My friends felt outcast and unwanted. My family felt spurned. I enclosed myself within tight walls and turned away anyone who dared to scale my defenses.

To say that I am still hurt would be insufficient. This gaping hole inside of me is just too hard to fill. Everytime that I see his face behind my eyes, a surge of loneliness seems to rise up, tiding over my whole being. It's just so hard to see the people who love walk away from you. It hurts more when all you can do is watch and stare as everything that you believed in an anchored to for years crumbles right at your feet.

Do you have any idea how it feels when I see your name? Do you have any idea how my heart constricts at the mere mention of your current affairs? My heart breaks every time. Every single time. Your name is enough to break down all the defenses that I have put up when you left. It is enough to break me all over again.

That's the funny thing. I go around for weeks not remembering you or anything else about you. I am happy. I feel free. Then someone or something reminds me of you, anything remotely connected to you, and all that is just lost. I am happy. I am. But, there's no discounting the fact that you're gone and no one else can fill the space that you vacated.

Silence.

That's the worst thing you could ever give me. I could take all the insults, all the ugly words. At least then, I know where I stand. But, this silence? I can't take it. It's impossible to counter. It's impossible to refute. It's impossible to appeal when silence is all that you're handed.

It hurts. This vise-like grip you have in me is choking me. It hurts that I am very much aware of your existence. I know how you're doing. Your brother keeps me up to date with your affairs, your schedule, your life. I don't even know if I ever cross your mind. I don't even know if you remember this younger sister that you had.

All I know is what I feel. And I feel as if you've already forgotten me, erased my existence from your mind. It hurts when you are still a part of my life when you've banished me from yours. Maybe, just maybe, I'm afraid to let you go because doing so would be saying that I gave up. Doing so would mean losing you from my life completely. And I am not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be.

I would rather have you in my life as a ghost of the past, as that broken fragment, as that smoky memory than not have any part of you at all.

But, I'm still hoping. I'm still holding out for that day when you turn around and smile at me again. I'm still waiting for you to come back.

The bridge is not broken. Not yet. Not ever.

I'm waiting.

Three Words for Three Years

THREE WORDS FOR THREE YEARS

I am not going to write this piece with my usual brand of long, descriptive introductions nor with metaphor-ridden passages that very few people would see the significance of. Instead, I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Stripped, raw, and real. After all, like what you've told me countless times before, you don't really like waiting. So here goes...

I love you.

I love you with all that I am and all that I can be. I love you with a fire that surpasses all the love that I have or had for anyone else. I love you with everything that I have and despite what I am at risk of losing. I love you with a depth that even I have trouble reaching for the beginning. I love you with an intensity that scares me for never in my dreams have I foreseen this kind of attachment to anyone. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Truth be told, I'm having a hard time writing this because I am at a loss as to what I should say. I don't know how to express the dam of emotions that continually piles up inside me. I am simply out of words to tell you how much I love you. There doesn't seem to be enough words in the English lexicon to explain the way that I feel.

I know that we're novices at this. We are not experts at having relationships because we have never been in an official, mature one before. But, even if we are still exploring the avenues presented before us - the arguments, the sweetness, the playfulness, the seriousness - this is one thing in my life that I feel absolutely sure of. Never in my whole life have I been this sure of anything.

You. Me. Us.

Out of the many wrong things in my life right now, this actually feels right.

I know that I never made it easy for you. (You say it all the time! Haha. :) ) Over the past years, all our friends have been consistently teasing me with the alleged ten years that I've asked you to wait. For the record, I never did such a thing. Hahaha.

But, admittedly, consciously or not, I made your whole college life probably the worst of your 19 years. I'm sorry. I know told you a lot of things but I never really told you why I left. Not until late anyway.

I know it was the last months of our high school life. It was a last-minute love story, wasn't it? We were scrambling for time, wishing had more when it was already too late.In fact, we can barely remember where, when, or how we started. All that I can remember was that you were in love with someone else and I was the one you turned to during those times.

Somehow, those advice sessions turned into long life talks which eventually turned into sweet, enjoyable conversations. Sino bang makakalimot sa mga pa-sweet mong mga hirit. O kaya sa pasimple mong 'I love you'? I know that you pride yourself with saying that you never actually courted anyone. But, sorry to burst your bubble, you did.

Naaalala mo ba nung tinanong mo ko kung hindi pa ba panliligaw yung ginagawa mong paghahatid-sundo sa'kin sa classroom? O yung lagi mong pagtetext at panlilibre? O yung pagpapakasweet mo? Face it, niligawan mo ko. :))

Remember that dance that you stole from someone else even when it was you who promised him that? Or when you followed me on the rooftop of our graduation night's venue, only to dance with me under the stars?

It was perfect wasn't it? Until I let go, that is.

I have no excuse. I don't have enough reason to justify why I left, nor the abrupt way that I did, not even the completely rude way that I acted after. God knows I've given you a lot of pointless, meaningless, senseless reasons, none of which are any closer to the truth.

I've made you ponder endlessly when the simple truth is, I chickened out.

Everyone knows I came from a destructive pseudo-relationship. It would be an extreme understatement to say that I came out of it still broken and bleeding. You were one of those people who helped me up and got me to move on. I would have been so lost if you were not there for me, then.

You made me feel safe and protected. You were my rock, my stronghold, my own secure fortress.

And you loved me still, despite of what I did, what I went through, and what I became after. You made me feel as if I deserved the love that you and all the people around me gave. You never ever left my side. Even when I did all that I can to push you away.

I was afraid. Not because I thought you were capable of hurting me. I was afraid that I would hurt you the way I hurt him. I was scared of the thought of you suffering irreparable damage because of me. For the longest time, I blamed myself for what he is. I can't bear the thought of doing that to anyone else, especially you. But, I was wrong.

I'm sorry for leaving you like that. I'm sorry for what must have been a thousand excuses that I gave you. I'm sorry for having too much pride in me to tell you the truth. I'm sorry for making you feel worthless, like I never loved you. I'm sorry for making you wait all those years when we could have been together all this time.

But, please understand. If I did not decide to leave while I was still trying to fix my crumbling shreds of dignity, what we had would just shatter into pieces. And picking up those pieces would only hurt us more. This is not a rationalization of my actions. I am just trying to make you understand why I left.

If I didn't leave then, there would be no us today. If it was a question of losing you to someone else or losing you altogether, I would choose the former. In an obscure way, I'm glad I left then. Because now, I'm ready. I am ready to brave the world with you, holding your hand until the very end.

Thank you for waiting for me. For still standing at the same spot where I left you. For your unwavering love for me. I never expected that you will still be there the moment that I came back. Totohanan na. You are too good for me. You deserve someone so much better. 'Yung hindi ka sasaktan tulad ng ginawa ko noon. But, you're giving me this second chance with you. I am not willing to lose this chance.

I should be groveling at your feet, asking for you to love me again. I should be begging for that second chance. But, no. You opened your arms and welcomed me in. When I told you I love you that day, you told me you love me, too. You didn't even miss a beat. You never hesitated. You took me back. And more than anything, that is the one thing I am most grateful of.

I love you. Sometimes, I can't find the reason why I love you. I just do. But, there are a lot of reasons why I am here beside you. And every single day, you give me more.

I love you for your patience. I love you for never giving up on me even when I was my worst self. I love you for always understanding me. I love you for being a source of my strength, for being a constant person in my life, for being my security blanket in this harsh world.

There are many more reasons why I am so lucky to have you (and all my friends agree). I want you to know that I see all of them, and I love you for every single one of those reasons.

Ayos na po. Kahit ipagmalaki mo pa sa kanilang lahat na napasagot mo ko kahit hindi na nanligaw. Forever ko namang ipagyayabang na hinintay mo ko ng tatlong taon. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan. Kahit hindi ko pinaramdam sa'yo na may pag-asa. Naghintay ka kasi mahal mo ko. Ayos na 'yun.

I know that we are still at the beginning at that we still have a lot to face. We still have a long, long, long way to go. We are just starting and forever is still in a faraway place. So please, I'm begging you, bear with me.

I know I'm not the easiest person to be with. I can be overbearing at times, sulky, demanding. At alam ng lahat na tampuhin ako at selosa. But hey, I love you.

I may not be that perfect girl that you've been dreaming of all your life, not even close. But, I'm the one you waited for. And aside from the fact that I love you, that is one reason why I will hold your hand and rest my head on your shoulders, five, ten, twenty, fifty years from now.

I know how much you hate waiting so I'm going to make it worth the time that you wasted, the money you spent getting drunk, and all the bullshit I put you through.

I can't give you anything else but I'm hoping these three words could make up for those three years of waiting...

I love you.