Anything other than yes is no. Anything other than stay is go. Anything less than I love you is a lie.
Right now, all I am sure of is that I love him. I do not know if he would be back like he said he would. I do not know if at the end of those two weeks, we would still be together. I do not know anything else save from the certainty that I love him.
I am a novice at having romantic relationships. To be honest, sometimes I find myself quite at a loss when it comes to handling relationship problems. I admit that I can be immature and selfish and demanding. But, I always try to be level-headed and reasonable all the time. I never want to feel like a burden to anybody, much less to him. Who wants a dysfunctional relationship anyway?
Point is, these things are new to me and I am so scared of the unknown. I am frightened of leaping into the abyss without knowing if there will be something to cushion my fall. I have always been cautious, believe it or not. I have never been a risk-taker and I always made sure everything was all right before I did something. I already have so many regrets in my life and I am loath to add any more to the list.
This uncertainty is killing me. I want to know what is going to happen. I do not want to wait around and hope that he'll be back and everything will be all right again. I don't want to stay suspended between this state of yes or no. I want to know. And soon.
My friends have been quite supportive and comforting these days. But despite their warm hugs and even warmer words, I cannot quench this cold dread that is creeping inch by inch into me. Quite a lot of friends asked me what I want to do right now. And my answer has been pretty much the same.
I'll wait.
The ball is in his court now. It's up to him to decide on things because this is what he wanted. Frankly, I do not really understand his need for space in order to be a better boyfriend. But, I trust him. I am holding him to his promise.
My friends, particularly Danj, are livid about this whole affair. There were a lot of questions that I did not know the answer to for I never fully understood his side, either. Danj wanted me to just move on because he thinks that there are better people out there for me. People were asking me if he was worth all this. A number were shocked and disappointed that he had the nerve to ask for the space instead of me doing that.
I am not defending him. My college friends has not met him yet so I understand where the hate was coming from. But, I know that those people who know him from high school would agree with me on this. He loves me. Time and again, I have proven that.
I understand that maybe he needs that time to find himself, make himself a better person for both of us. I understand that he needs to get away to evaluate what he wants without me blurring the bigger picture for him. I understand all that. It hurts, yes. It hurts that I miss him and I can't talk to him. It hurts knowing that we love each other but we cannot express it for fear of further complicating things. It hurts knowing that the distance between us is not only represented my meters or feet but by pain and disappointments.
But, as I have told anyone who asked, he's worth that. All that.
He said he'd be back. He said that he just needed the space to fix himself, to make himself a better person because he wants to make me happier... because he loves me.
I believe that. He has given me no reason to doubt him. I am just scared because anything can happen. Either of us could walk away at any give time. But, I'm not prepared for that. I don't think I ever will be.
Thank you to all the friends who has shown me love these past few days. :) You don't know how much your hugs and comforting words meant to me. I'm sorry for being such a wimpy kid. Haha.
On a side note, the test results made me happy today. :3 Silver linings, yay! :))
I love you. I cannot tell you this right now because you need your space and I need this time to think for myself, too. I appreciate the fact that you're doing this for me because you want to be a better boyfriend. I know that this is difficult for you, as well. I love you, you know that. I know that you trust me enough to be there while you make yourself come back. I have not told you this but I will be waiting. I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you in the process. I'm scared of losing myself, too.
I am not sure of anything. I am only holding on to your words. The idea of being beside you again is what keeps me going on. Here's to hoping that it was not all for naught. I miss you, love. I love you.
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