Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 5

I'm gonna love you 'til you start looking back. I'm gonna love you so right, I wouldn't need a second chance.

Progress.

I still miss him. I still wish he would talk to me. I wish everyday that when I wake up, I would see his name onscreen. And every morning my hopes are dashed.

I'm still asking the same questions. How can he stand this? Am I really waiting for something? Will he come back? Does he still love me? Does he miss me?

Everyday is the same. This sick cycle goes on and on and on and the only one stuck in the center is me. It feels like this huge vortex is pulling me in and I can't get away. For a moment or two, I would feel like I am in control but the tides turn and I am in the wrong end again, each time worse than the last.

A lot of people have told me to just let go. But, I can't. I can't because I'm willing to see this through the end. Even if a part of me wants to protect myself and cut my losses this early on, I know that I would still be pushing forward. Because what he doesn't know is that I am willing to fight for him.

I miss you. I love you. It's easier to believe in words. It's easier to hold on to them. In this case, I don't even have a choice. The words you said were the only things I have. Those are the only things that could make or break me. When I think about the 9 more days that I have wait, I feel like just giving up. And it's tempting, so tempting, to start the process of letting go and moving on and starting over. I know that when I do that and you don't come back, I would not feel so sorry for myself. But, if I do that and you come back, I would feel even worse.

Remember when I said that you were worth all the risks? It hasn't changed. I am hurting. I can feel my heart breaking into smaller pieces for every moment that passes by without you. But I don't want to let go just yet. I won't.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Come back soon and tell me you love me still.

PS.

I've downloaded Once Upon A Time like you asked me to do. I've watched everything. When we see each other again, let's watch it together, okay? I miss you, love. :)

Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 4

If you just walked away, what could I really say? Would it matter anyway? Would it change how you feel?

As a consequence of drinking too much coffee, my gastritis acted up. I was not able to go to school and spent hours lying on my bed willing the pain to go away. This sucks big time.

I had the inclination to buy some milk because that is what usually makes me feel better during my bouts of sickness. But, my cravings pushed me to go to a coffee shop and get myself a white hot chocolate. :"> So, mustering all the strength I have left I made the ten-minute ride to the cafe and appeased my tired self with my favorite drink.

But, the serene ambiance of the almost empty place reduced me to a teary mess in a matter of minutes. The feelings that I have been trying to suppress all this time came tumbling out of me in a series of sniffs and sobs. I felt so pathetic crying discreetly in an empty second floor of a coffee shop.

A friend tried to console me through text messaging and she told me that I should just tell him that I miss him. Initially, I was averse to the idea as that would actually defy his intention of staying away for the moment. But, feelings overcame common sense so I texted him and I told him that I missed him.

Hi. :) I know you wanted your space but I just wanted to tell you I miss you. Haha. I hope you're doing fine. I love you. :)

You know what he said? 

Nothing.

What am I supposed to think then? Is he ever coming back?

No matter, I will be waiting.

And when you're needing your space to do some navigating, I'll be here patiently waiting to see what you find.

Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 3

All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns.

NO HANGOVER. The gods still smile upon me. :>

Despite feeling crappy last night, I woke up feeling as if no drop of alcohol ever touched my bloodstream. Thank god for small favors. Haha.

I tried to study for the exams tomorrow but I was not in the mood to do anything save for watching Once Upon A Time.

I'll always find you.

Oh, my ovaries. Hahaha.

I'm babbling, obviously. I don't want to sleep just yet. Everytime I close my eyes his image resurfaces in my mind. That would start a snowball effect, I would not be able to sleep crying my eyes out. I would feel like hell answering my exams tomorrow. I would beat myself up for getting such a low score and so on and so forth.

So, instead I'm staring unseeingly at my notes and my printed slides. Yes, that would help me get a better score.

I've already downed two cups of coffee in the last three hours fighting the urge to fall asleep. I really have to get to my notes now. But, I still want to watch Once Upon A Time again. Delaying tactics, yay. Haha.

But, seriously. Just do anything. Anything but think of him. Anything but that.

I wish I could feel the way I felt two days ago. Mechanical. Unthinking. Blissfully unaware.

Alas, that phase is over. Time to face the music.

Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 2

It's okay. It only hurts when I try to breathe.

I thought I was doing pretty damned fine. I woke up that morning in good spirits, better suited to brave the day ahead of me. I had my STS class at 10am. I arrived early and read my book. It was a fun lecture. It always is with Sir Jireh. Point is, I managed to forget the fix the I was in for a few hours.

I felt fine.

Until I met Venus, that is. The gang was supposed to meet at 5pm. I got out at 1pm and headed for Robinson's when I got Venus's message that she was already at Red Mango. Making my way there, I really had no idea what to tell her or how to explain to her the things that happened.

So, we talked. We talked about what happened. I told her that yes, we are still together. And no, I have no idea what he wants to do with the two weeks on his hands. She wanted to analyze the reason behind everything but we came up short. We tried to think of the why's and how's but between the two of us, we accomplished nothing.

She thought about my friendship with Keene and how it affected my relationship with Greg. But, somehow that seems to be irrelevant as I ended that a month ago. She was shocked that Greg's name on my phone seems so formal with the surname. I defended myself by saying that it's a small thing and is not an indication of my feelings whatsoever. She assured me that he would be back but no matter how convincing her case might be, it still didn't seem enough. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the things she said and the lengths she went to to make me feel better but we both know that in the end, there was only one person whom I needed to hear those words from.

I only cried twice since this whole thing blew up, both of them with Danj and Nhor who were actively trying to make me cry so I don't think if that counts. Haha. What I mean is that, I think I'm doing okay despite the dire nature of my circumstance. So, I figured, hey, I can do this. Only a few more days and we'll be fine.

JM arrived at around 3pm. I had forgotten to eat lunch so we went to McDonald's. We went to the Food Court to wait for Joel. He arrived at around 5pm. We headed for Niro while JM went to get his plus one.

Can you imagine how lonely I felt when JM and his plus one arrived? I love my friends and most of the time I don't really mind going out with my friends that are couples. But, that one just hit me hard. Two couples being sweet in front of me and me, I am not even sure if my boyfriend will come back at the end of this two-week suspension that he enacted.

So, I kept quiet most of the time and sulked. And drank my shots. So, it was no wonder when I, who has never been drunk with the gang, felt woozy halfway through the night.

JM had to take his plus one to the bus station. (Sweet.) So, I was stuck with our power couple. (Still felt pathetic and alone.) JM came back and Boli arrived. Finally, the gang was complete!

The fact that they texted him to say that they were with me and that we were drinking and him replying with a curt message certainly didn't help lift my spirits either. My response and the Squeeze Me definitely did me in. On our third set, I only laid my head on the table. I could vaguely remember JM hugging me and telling me it'll be fine. I don't think I was hallucinating but they I think they showed me a message from a high school friend saying that Greg says that he loves me.

I knew I had to keep my wits about me if I wanted to get home all right so I already stopped drinking and only stared into space. My head was pounding, though. I knew I needed JM to support me on the way home. I did the same for him last time so I didn't feel that guilty. Hehe.

By the time we went home, I already felt a little better. A cold shower later and I was feeling my old self again. Haha.

That was when it started to sink in, though. I was out late. I had more than my usual share of drink. I was definitely drunk. He did not care. At all.

No, I did not get drunk to get his attention. I did not even intend to get drunk that night. It just happened.

I am trying not to overthink things but I guess I am. But, I just can't understand how he can stand this. I am not holding this against him, I just want to understand how you could go on one day without talking to someone so important in your life. Barney can't let a day go by without talking to Robin because if he did, his day would just suck.

So how could you? How could you take all of this in stride when I could barely get through fifteen minutes of my day without thinking about you? How? :(

Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 1

Anything other than yes is no. Anything other than stay is go. Anything less than I love you is a lie.

Right now, all I am sure of is that I love him. I do not know if he would be back like he said he would. I do not know if at the end of those two weeks, we would still be together. I do not know anything else save from the certainty that I love him.

I am a novice at having romantic relationships. To be honest, sometimes I find myself quite at a loss when it comes to handling relationship problems. I admit that I can be immature and selfish and demanding. But, I always try to be level-headed and reasonable all the time. I never want to feel like a burden to anybody, much less to him. Who wants a dysfunctional relationship anyway?

Point is, these things are new to me and I am so scared of the unknown. I am frightened of leaping into the abyss without knowing if there will be something to cushion my fall. I have always been cautious, believe it or not. I have never been a risk-taker and I always made sure everything was all right before I did something. I already have so many regrets in my life and I am loath to add any more to the list.

This uncertainty is killing me. I want to know what is going to happen. I do not want to wait around and hope that he'll be back and everything will be all right again. I don't want to stay suspended between this state of yes or no. I want to know. And soon.

My friends have been quite supportive and comforting these days. But despite their warm hugs and even warmer words, I cannot quench this cold dread that is creeping inch by inch into me. Quite a lot of friends asked me what I want to do right now. And my answer has been pretty much the same.

I'll wait.

The ball is in his court now. It's up to him to decide on things because this is what he wanted. Frankly, I do not really understand his need for space in order to be a better boyfriend. But, I trust him. I am holding him to his promise.

My friends, particularly Danj, are livid about this whole affair. There were a lot of questions that I did not know the answer to for I never fully understood his side, either. Danj wanted me to just move on because he thinks that there are better people out there for me. People were asking me if he was worth all this. A number were shocked and disappointed that he had the nerve to ask for the space instead of me doing that.

I am not defending him. My college friends has not met him yet so I understand where the hate was coming from. But, I know that those people who know him from high school would agree with me on this. He loves me. Time and again, I have proven that.

I understand that maybe he needs that time to find himself, make himself a better person for both of us. I understand that he needs to get away to evaluate what he wants without me blurring the bigger picture for him. I understand all that. It hurts, yes. It hurts that I miss him and I can't talk to him. It hurts knowing that we love each other but we cannot express it for fear of further complicating things. It hurts knowing that the distance between us is not only represented my meters or feet but by pain and disappointments.

But, as I have told anyone who asked, he's worth that. All that.

He said he'd be back. He said that he just needed the space to fix himself, to make himself a better person because he wants to make me happier... because he loves me.

I believe that. He has given me no reason to doubt him. I am just scared because anything can happen. Either of us could walk away at any give time. But, I'm not prepared for that. I don't think I ever will be.

Thank you to all the friends who has shown me love these past few days. :) You don't know how much your hugs and comforting words meant to me. I'm sorry for being such a wimpy kid. Haha.

On a side note, the test results made me happy today. :3 Silver linings, yay! :))

I love you. I cannot tell you this right now because you need your space and I need this time to think for myself, too. I appreciate the fact that you're doing this for me because you want to be a better boyfriend. I know that this is difficult for you, as well. I love you, you know that. I know that you trust me enough to be there while you make yourself come back. I have not told you this but I will be waiting. I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you in the process. I'm scared of losing myself, too.

I am not sure of anything. I am only holding on to your words. The idea of being beside you again is what keeps me going on. Here's to hoping that it was not all for naught. I miss you, love. I love you.

Ayokong sabihin dahil unang-una, hindi ko matanggap. Hindi ko din naman alam kung kanino ko sasabihin dahil pakiramdam ko na-exhaust ko na ang reserved time ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Ang lakas tuloy ng feeling na nasa isang deserted island ako kahit sobrang daming tao sa paligid ko.

I'm trying to work through my feelings right now. I've been thinking a lot and the one thing that keeps standing out is how disappointed I feel about this. Hindi ko alam kasi kung ako ba ang may mali o ikaw, eh. I don't even know if I should demand things from you or if I should just let it go.

Tama si Ven, eh. Ang hirap maging level-headed all the time. I keep stretching out my patience simply because I always feel like crap after "instigating" our fights. But, I really don't want to just settle for second best anymore.

I want what they have. I want the things I see. I want to do silly, nonsensical things with you. I want to stay up all night talking to you. I won't even mind if my ears start feeling uncomfortable and warm. I want to go to weird, unique places with you. I want to take sweet, stupid photos with you. I want to receive small surprises from you. I want to carve our own little niche in this world, a place that we can call our own. Our coffee shop, our bookstore, our anything.

While this may be good, it still doesn't feel enough. I don't want this sorry excuse of quality time because we are not even spending time together. I don't want to feel like you are putting me on schedule because it's the only day in a week that we agreed to meet. I want to stop feeling like I'm the least of your priorities. I want to feel like you actually care when I get sad or angry. I want you to do something about it, not ignore me until I start feeling like an idiot and talk to you instead.

I don't want to wait for your texts while miserably wondering if you ever would.

Hindi na masaya yung ganito. Yung wala akong nararamdamang effort mula sa'yo. Na parang wala lang, okay lang. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam nung wala lang sa'yo na nagkakaganito ko.

Ang sakit lang.