Three Words for Three Years

THREE WORDS FOR THREE YEARS

I am not going to write this piece with my usual brand of long, descriptive introductions nor with metaphor-ridden passages that very few people would see the significance of. Instead, I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Stripped, raw, and real. After all, like what you've told me countless times before, you don't really like waiting. So here goes...

I love you.

I love you with all that I am and all that I can be. I love you with a fire that surpasses all the love that I have or had for anyone else. I love you with everything that I have and despite what I am at risk of losing. I love you with a depth that even I have trouble reaching for the beginning. I love you with an intensity that scares me for never in my dreams have I foreseen this kind of attachment to anyone. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Truth be told, I'm having a hard time writing this because I am at a loss as to what I should say. I don't know how to express the dam of emotions that continually piles up inside me. I am simply out of words to tell you how much I love you. There doesn't seem to be enough words in the English lexicon to explain the way that I feel.

I know that we're novices at this. We are not experts at having relationships because we have never been in an official, mature one before. But, even if we are still exploring the avenues presented before us - the arguments, the sweetness, the playfulness, the seriousness - this is one thing in my life that I feel absolutely sure of. Never in my whole life have I been this sure of anything.

You. Me. Us.

Out of the many wrong things in my life right now, this actually feels right.

I know that I never made it easy for you. (You say it all the time! Haha. :) ) Over the past years, all our friends have been consistently teasing me with the alleged ten years that I've asked you to wait. For the record, I never did such a thing. Hahaha.

But, admittedly, consciously or not, I made your whole college life probably the worst of your 19 years. I'm sorry. I know told you a lot of things but I never really told you why I left. Not until late anyway.

I know it was the last months of our high school life. It was a last-minute love story, wasn't it? We were scrambling for time, wishing had more when it was already too late.In fact, we can barely remember where, when, or how we started. All that I can remember was that you were in love with someone else and I was the one you turned to during those times.

Somehow, those advice sessions turned into long life talks which eventually turned into sweet, enjoyable conversations. Sino bang makakalimot sa mga pa-sweet mong mga hirit. O kaya sa pasimple mong 'I love you'? I know that you pride yourself with saying that you never actually courted anyone. But, sorry to burst your bubble, you did.

Naaalala mo ba nung tinanong mo ko kung hindi pa ba panliligaw yung ginagawa mong paghahatid-sundo sa'kin sa classroom? O yung lagi mong pagtetext at panlilibre? O yung pagpapakasweet mo? Face it, niligawan mo ko. :))

Remember that dance that you stole from someone else even when it was you who promised him that? Or when you followed me on the rooftop of our graduation night's venue, only to dance with me under the stars?

It was perfect wasn't it? Until I let go, that is.

I have no excuse. I don't have enough reason to justify why I left, nor the abrupt way that I did, not even the completely rude way that I acted after. God knows I've given you a lot of pointless, meaningless, senseless reasons, none of which are any closer to the truth.

I've made you ponder endlessly when the simple truth is, I chickened out.

Everyone knows I came from a destructive pseudo-relationship. It would be an extreme understatement to say that I came out of it still broken and bleeding. You were one of those people who helped me up and got me to move on. I would have been so lost if you were not there for me, then.

You made me feel safe and protected. You were my rock, my stronghold, my own secure fortress.

And you loved me still, despite of what I did, what I went through, and what I became after. You made me feel as if I deserved the love that you and all the people around me gave. You never ever left my side. Even when I did all that I can to push you away.

I was afraid. Not because I thought you were capable of hurting me. I was afraid that I would hurt you the way I hurt him. I was scared of the thought of you suffering irreparable damage because of me. For the longest time, I blamed myself for what he is. I can't bear the thought of doing that to anyone else, especially you. But, I was wrong.

I'm sorry for leaving you like that. I'm sorry for what must have been a thousand excuses that I gave you. I'm sorry for having too much pride in me to tell you the truth. I'm sorry for making you feel worthless, like I never loved you. I'm sorry for making you wait all those years when we could have been together all this time.

But, please understand. If I did not decide to leave while I was still trying to fix my crumbling shreds of dignity, what we had would just shatter into pieces. And picking up those pieces would only hurt us more. This is not a rationalization of my actions. I am just trying to make you understand why I left.

If I didn't leave then, there would be no us today. If it was a question of losing you to someone else or losing you altogether, I would choose the former. In an obscure way, I'm glad I left then. Because now, I'm ready. I am ready to brave the world with you, holding your hand until the very end.

Thank you for waiting for me. For still standing at the same spot where I left you. For your unwavering love for me. I never expected that you will still be there the moment that I came back. Totohanan na. You are too good for me. You deserve someone so much better. 'Yung hindi ka sasaktan tulad ng ginawa ko noon. But, you're giving me this second chance with you. I am not willing to lose this chance.

I should be groveling at your feet, asking for you to love me again. I should be begging for that second chance. But, no. You opened your arms and welcomed me in. When I told you I love you that day, you told me you love me, too. You didn't even miss a beat. You never hesitated. You took me back. And more than anything, that is the one thing I am most grateful of.

I love you. Sometimes, I can't find the reason why I love you. I just do. But, there are a lot of reasons why I am here beside you. And every single day, you give me more.

I love you for your patience. I love you for never giving up on me even when I was my worst self. I love you for always understanding me. I love you for being a source of my strength, for being a constant person in my life, for being my security blanket in this harsh world.

There are many more reasons why I am so lucky to have you (and all my friends agree). I want you to know that I see all of them, and I love you for every single one of those reasons.

Ayos na po. Kahit ipagmalaki mo pa sa kanilang lahat na napasagot mo ko kahit hindi na nanligaw. Forever ko namang ipagyayabang na hinintay mo ko ng tatlong taon. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan. Kahit hindi ko pinaramdam sa'yo na may pag-asa. Naghintay ka kasi mahal mo ko. Ayos na 'yun.

I know that we are still at the beginning at that we still have a lot to face. We still have a long, long, long way to go. We are just starting and forever is still in a faraway place. So please, I'm begging you, bear with me.

I know I'm not the easiest person to be with. I can be overbearing at times, sulky, demanding. At alam ng lahat na tampuhin ako at selosa. But hey, I love you.

I may not be that perfect girl that you've been dreaming of all your life, not even close. But, I'm the one you waited for. And aside from the fact that I love you, that is one reason why I will hold your hand and rest my head on your shoulders, five, ten, twenty, fifty years from now.

I know how much you hate waiting so I'm going to make it worth the time that you wasted, the money you spent getting drunk, and all the bullshit I put you through.

I can't give you anything else but I'm hoping these three words could make up for those three years of waiting...

I love you.