Fourteen Days Without Him: Day 1

Anything other than yes is no. Anything other than stay is go. Anything less than I love you is a lie.

Right now, all I am sure of is that I love him. I do not know if he would be back like he said he would. I do not know if at the end of those two weeks, we would still be together. I do not know anything else save from the certainty that I love him.

I am a novice at having romantic relationships. To be honest, sometimes I find myself quite at a loss when it comes to handling relationship problems. I admit that I can be immature and selfish and demanding. But, I always try to be level-headed and reasonable all the time. I never want to feel like a burden to anybody, much less to him. Who wants a dysfunctional relationship anyway?

Point is, these things are new to me and I am so scared of the unknown. I am frightened of leaping into the abyss without knowing if there will be something to cushion my fall. I have always been cautious, believe it or not. I have never been a risk-taker and I always made sure everything was all right before I did something. I already have so many regrets in my life and I am loath to add any more to the list.

This uncertainty is killing me. I want to know what is going to happen. I do not want to wait around and hope that he'll be back and everything will be all right again. I don't want to stay suspended between this state of yes or no. I want to know. And soon.

My friends have been quite supportive and comforting these days. But despite their warm hugs and even warmer words, I cannot quench this cold dread that is creeping inch by inch into me. Quite a lot of friends asked me what I want to do right now. And my answer has been pretty much the same.

I'll wait.

The ball is in his court now. It's up to him to decide on things because this is what he wanted. Frankly, I do not really understand his need for space in order to be a better boyfriend. But, I trust him. I am holding him to his promise.

My friends, particularly Danj, are livid about this whole affair. There were a lot of questions that I did not know the answer to for I never fully understood his side, either. Danj wanted me to just move on because he thinks that there are better people out there for me. People were asking me if he was worth all this. A number were shocked and disappointed that he had the nerve to ask for the space instead of me doing that.

I am not defending him. My college friends has not met him yet so I understand where the hate was coming from. But, I know that those people who know him from high school would agree with me on this. He loves me. Time and again, I have proven that.

I understand that maybe he needs that time to find himself, make himself a better person for both of us. I understand that he needs to get away to evaluate what he wants without me blurring the bigger picture for him. I understand all that. It hurts, yes. It hurts that I miss him and I can't talk to him. It hurts knowing that we love each other but we cannot express it for fear of further complicating things. It hurts knowing that the distance between us is not only represented my meters or feet but by pain and disappointments.

But, as I have told anyone who asked, he's worth that. All that.

He said he'd be back. He said that he just needed the space to fix himself, to make himself a better person because he wants to make me happier... because he loves me.

I believe that. He has given me no reason to doubt him. I am just scared because anything can happen. Either of us could walk away at any give time. But, I'm not prepared for that. I don't think I ever will be.

Thank you to all the friends who has shown me love these past few days. :) You don't know how much your hugs and comforting words meant to me. I'm sorry for being such a wimpy kid. Haha.

On a side note, the test results made me happy today. :3 Silver linings, yay! :))

I love you. I cannot tell you this right now because you need your space and I need this time to think for myself, too. I appreciate the fact that you're doing this for me because you want to be a better boyfriend. I know that this is difficult for you, as well. I love you, you know that. I know that you trust me enough to be there while you make yourself come back. I have not told you this but I will be waiting. I'm scared. I'm scared of losing you in the process. I'm scared of losing myself, too.

I am not sure of anything. I am only holding on to your words. The idea of being beside you again is what keeps me going on. Here's to hoping that it was not all for naught. I miss you, love. I love you.

Ayokong sabihin dahil unang-una, hindi ko matanggap. Hindi ko din naman alam kung kanino ko sasabihin dahil pakiramdam ko na-exhaust ko na ang reserved time ng mga tao sa paligid ko. Ang lakas tuloy ng feeling na nasa isang deserted island ako kahit sobrang daming tao sa paligid ko.

I'm trying to work through my feelings right now. I've been thinking a lot and the one thing that keeps standing out is how disappointed I feel about this. Hindi ko alam kasi kung ako ba ang may mali o ikaw, eh. I don't even know if I should demand things from you or if I should just let it go.

Tama si Ven, eh. Ang hirap maging level-headed all the time. I keep stretching out my patience simply because I always feel like crap after "instigating" our fights. But, I really don't want to just settle for second best anymore.

I want what they have. I want the things I see. I want to do silly, nonsensical things with you. I want to stay up all night talking to you. I won't even mind if my ears start feeling uncomfortable and warm. I want to go to weird, unique places with you. I want to take sweet, stupid photos with you. I want to receive small surprises from you. I want to carve our own little niche in this world, a place that we can call our own. Our coffee shop, our bookstore, our anything.

While this may be good, it still doesn't feel enough. I don't want this sorry excuse of quality time because we are not even spending time together. I don't want to feel like you are putting me on schedule because it's the only day in a week that we agreed to meet. I want to stop feeling like I'm the least of your priorities. I want to feel like you actually care when I get sad or angry. I want you to do something about it, not ignore me until I start feeling like an idiot and talk to you instead.

I don't want to wait for your texts while miserably wondering if you ever would.

Hindi na masaya yung ganito. Yung wala akong nararamdamang effort mula sa'yo. Na parang wala lang, okay lang. Ang bigat sa pakiramdam nung wala lang sa'yo na nagkakaganito ko.

Ang sakit lang.

Musings.

I AM SUCH A BAD BLOGGER.

I know. Haha. I'm sorry. Please let me explain. I do not use my laptop nor our desktop because of certain reasons. (Reason number one being my mom banning me from chronic use of the internet.) So, I am using my mobile phone. But, my mobile phone doesn't or can't support the intricate complexities of blogger and I am forced to do nothing.

I don't even have a solid topic to write about but my blog looks really lonely so I'm just winging it.

I am here at Patts. My uncle (who is younger than me) will take his entrance exam later and I am bored to death. My dad drove us here early. Too early. We arrived at around 6:30 and employees don't come in until around 8. The exam will not even start until 10. So, I was stuck there, with headphones in my ears, re-reading A Game of Thrones, when Ton asked me if I wanted to go to a computer shop and pass time. So, yeah, I said yes. :>

I am sleepy. I tried to sleep around 10 last night but I keep waking up. I hate that half-awake state when you seem to be dreaming but the slightest stimuli will wake you up. I am quite certain that I have sinusitis on account of my face feeling like it had been punched by a wrecking ball, no less. To top it all off, it feels like someone was there but really isn't. No, I am not talking about a ghost.

I am leaving on Saturday and I will be gone for three weeks. So, that means not seeing you in three whole weeks. Plus the last two weeks that we haven't seen each other. So, one month of listlessness and missing you. I mean, it's okay if you do text or call me and talk to me. But, you don't. You say good morning and it's fine. You tell me you love me every morning when you wake up and every night before you sleep and that's great. But, I want to talk to you.

I want to know how your day had gone. I want to know how you're feeling. I am not being clingy. At least, I don't think I am. I just want to talk to you. I am not asking for 24 hours of your time. All I want is a few more minutes of your day, not mere seconds of typing your message and hitting send. All I want is a few more words from you not just a greeting and a stale I love you.

I don't get it. We live a few blocks apart and I tell you that I want to see you before I leave and all I get is that silence on your end. I tell you that our common friend wants to hang out and you give me three different excuses but the truth is you just want to go someplace else.

I get angry and still, silence?

It's early in the relationship, I know. You need your adjustment phase. I need my adjustment phase. But, this?

Maybe it's just the fact that I dread silence. Wait, that doesn't seem strong enough. I abhor silence.

This may not be the best idea but I think this time, the silence will be reciprocated. After all, the only thing that can refute silence is silence itself.

I will be gone for almost a month. I'll reevaluate things when I come back. Maybe you can think of things on your end, too. We'll see.

Or maybe not.

PS

Dear Grammar Nazis, I am too sleepy to check this post. Forgive me. :))